With one month left to listen to Democratic Sen. Barack Obama and Republican Sen. John McCain sling mud at each other, it won't be long before we can't stand either one. We wade into this morass every four years and we know how it goes. In fact, I know it so well I don't have to listen to the candidates; I can fling it on my own. If you're politically sensitive, don't read on. In fact, don't read, listen to the radio, watch TV, or go out for air until after Nov. 4. You could get a rash.
Here is what will be in the air between now and election day, starting with the "age" issue.
From the Obama campaign: the camera centers on a pleasant, grass-covered hillside. The sun is shining. A deep voice says, "Welcome to beautiful Tennessee. How old are these hills?" The voice of God answers "... Not as old as John McCain."
The McCain side responds: the camera moves across a cityscape to a valley, then a beach, then a forest. A deep voice says, "This is John McCain's America." A camera pans a Fisher-Price Little People Main Street and adds, "... This is Barack Obama's."
On the "change" issue:
From the McCain campaign: Camera hones in on Barack Obama's birth certificate, emphasizing his middle name, Hussein. A deep voice says, "Barack Obama says he's 'different.' Saddam Hussein's picture appears. The voice adds, "...We wonder if Saddam would think so."
From the Obama side: Camera pans a herd of cattle and the backs of cowboys herding them through a valley. The voice-over says "To separate himself from the current Republican administration, John McCain calls himself a maverick." The camera focusses on the rear ends of two side-by-side identical horses. The voice says, "Frankly, we don't see much difference."
On having unpopular friends:
From the McCain side: Camera shows Barack Obama with his arm around his controversial, firebrand preacher. Close-up of preacher's face as voice says, "Some people say they don't like America." Close-up of Obama. "That's why they want him to run it."
From the Obama campaign: Camera shows two old crows on a telephone wire, one wearing George Bush's face, the other, John McCain's. A voice says "Birds of a feather flock together." The McCain crow says "Caw-caw." The Bush crow says "Craw-craw...heh-heh-heh."
On the economy:
From the Obama side: Camera pans in on a toilet, just as the water swirls in a flush. A voice says, "In eight years under Republican government, the American economy has gone down the tubes." The Ty-D-Bowl man appears, wearing John McCain's face, and says in MCain's voice, "Get ready for a royal flush."
Ah yes, mudslinging is a proud American tradition, and by the time November rolls around so much will be flung you won't recognize the candidates -- or want to vote for either one. So unless you intend to do your own intensive research, you might as well choose now. Things aren't going to get any clearer.
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