By EVELYN PETERSEN
Q: We've had friends for more than 20 years who visit us here in Traverse City with their two teenagers, 13 and 15. Our kids, ages 8 and 10, adore those kids like they are older cousins. We enjoy their company, but it is a ton of work getting the house prepared, buying and making all the food, planning activities and giving up our privacy for days on end, plus the extra expense.
Years ago my girlfriend used to come sans husband, bringing treats and contributing to the grocery expenses. However, the last three times they brought nothing, paid for nothing and also prolonged the weekend visits to four days.
This has become a financial burden to us, especially in this economy.
My husband and I are weary of this, but I don't want to lose a friend. Worse, as summer approaches, they want to "book" two long weekends with us. How can we resolve this without being offensive? -- R.E.M.
A: It's important to know how to handle this tough and very common "up north" question in a way that's both truthful and fair, and in a way your children will fully understand.
Your children will be watching and listening to your modeling. The way you handle it may teach them that it's both important and OK to speak the truth to a friend and still be courteous.
You're worried that your children will be devastated if these people don't come back. I don't think so. Consider your children's ages and the ages of your friend's children. The age span would not have seemed great in past years, and the children probably played well together. But now those teens are not as likely to be interested in hanging out with your younger children.
Have a family meeting to discuss this. Tell your children that the "right" thing to do when you visit others for a few days is help with the work and the grocery expenses. Remind them that this is even more important now that money doesn't go as far as it used to go. (Give examples.)
It's good for kids to learn some basics about family values and expenses. Tell them you're figuring out what to say to your downstate friends about this. It will be easier to choose your approach with support and input from your family. .
One approach would be to call your old friend and say, "You know, things have gotten lots harder for all of us financially, don't you think? Well, we're going to try to cope by making some 'ground rules' for what we can actually afford to do with our leisure time. We're going to limit our time with out-of-town visitors to a few two-day weekends in which we will plan and share the grocery expenses. Please think this over and talk about it. Let us know if you still want to come up to visit this summer under these new conditions."
Evelyn Petersen is an award-winning parenting columnist and child and family advocate who lives in Traverse City. E-mail questions to evelynpetersen@yahoo.com. For more columns from Evelyn Petersen, visit record-eagle.com/askevelyn.
