Ask Evelyn: Don't overschedule kids

Evelyn Petersen: Ask Evelyn

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September 15, 2009

By EVELYN PETERSEN The Record Eagle Tue Sep 15, 2009, 07:12 AM EDT

Q: We have a 9-year-old boy and a 7-year-old daughter. I always felt I knew what I was doing with our son, but I usually haven't a clue with our daughter. She's basically a good girl who is happy and well loved. But often she has these frustrating fits of crying. She'll break into tears and give you an excuse for them. When we respond with a rationale, she comes up with another excuse and it goes on and on. It's generally about how something isn't working for her (friends, family, sports team, etc) She just wants to quit whatever it is and cry. The fit is much worse if her dad or I are within eyesight. How do we stop the crying fits? We're not growing out of this phase. Please help! -- K.M.

A: This is unusual for a 7-year-old ... usually they are cooperative and want to participate with peers in activities and are beginning to have self-confidence. If she is overextended, however, she may be trying to give you a message. She wouldn't want to disappoint you by saying she doesn't want to do these things. Maybe the excuses are masking the real problem. Maybe she's just trying these things to please you but then simply cannot handle the stress.

As parents we often think our kids just love being busy with extra activities, but many kids simply are not ready for that or don't have the energy or temperament for it. Consider what she wants instead of what you want for her. When school starts many parents just schedule their kids into so many things it boggles the mind. Sometimes the kids are with other adults so much they are learning their values from them instead of their own family. Think about that.

Be sure that she is physically OK and that there is nothing medical that could be impacting her behavior. Then evaluate her activities to be sure she REALLY likes them and that they are not too hard or too stressful.

Teach her to ask sincere questions and give sincere compliments to others. This helps to make friends, just as does using others' first names and smiling. She should give at least one sincere compliment to another person each day.

She may have a tendency to be self-absorbed and you do not want this to get worse. (Imagine a self-absorbed teen.) As she gets older have her do volunteer work to learn more about the world and others in it outside herself. This will be very important for her. You might also have a meeting with her teacher to see how she acts in a classroom and what insight the teacher can give you.

E-mail questions to Evelyn Petersen at evelynpetersen@yahoo.com. For more columns from Evelyn Petersen, visit record-eagle.com/askevelyn.

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