BY EVELYN PETERSEN
Q: We have two daughters, ages 9 and 7. They're busy, active and happy girls who hardly ever watch TV but love to read and participate in library and Girl Scout activities like cooking, crafts and science projects. As a family we do medieval reenactments and go out occasionally to museums or go bowling.
Recently my husband and I both became unemployed. I am back in school; he is at home. And that's the problem.
Our girls are getting next to no free time or play time. They love the outdoors but hardly get outside. After school, dad has them doing their homework or household chores (whatever he decides, including laundry); after supper (they clean up and do dishes) he gives them EXTRA homework in math, spelling, handwriting, etc., and has them turn it in to him before bed.
They've even asked me why Daddy makes them work so hard. I think a united front is important but I've told him that I believe they are doing too much and have no time to play or just be children. Am I off base? -- A.N.
A: I am in total agreement with you. Everyone needs balance in their lives ... of work and play, quiet and active times, serious study or focus and spontaneous fun. Your girls are cooperating but they're not doing so without some hidden resentment, and that's a bad thing for their relationship with dad, and even with you.
They do NOT need extra homework or extra chores. Instead, they need some time for active free play that will balance out the time they spend studying and working at home. Yes, have them do chores you both agree are reasonable, but be sure they also have some free active play time. After school, for example, children need some active play and fresh air as a "break" before the routines of the family evening begin.
Is your spouse feeling so guilty about being unemployed that he thinks he needs to create a "new job" for himself as their teacher or coach? The teachers at school assign appropriate homework; it's not his job. Perhaps he needs to take a hard look at his behavior and think about this. I also wonder if he's spending any time looking for work or applying for jobs. Or is it possible that his behavior with the girls is a way to avoid these efforts?
He needs to cut back on these "assignments" and focus more on what is in the best long-term interests of the girls. This means thinking about what things help maintain a loving and solid relationship and open communication in the family.
Joy, laughter and humor are extremely vital in any human relationship. I'm all for daily chores, but your girls need a strong relationship with their parents just as much as they need work ethic experiences.
Try starting a weekly Family Game Night for fun and laughter with your daughters and some of their friends.
Evelyn Petersen is an award-winning parenting columnist and child and family advocate who lives in Traverse City. E-mail questions to evelynpetersen@yahoo.com. For more columns from Evelyn Petersen, visit record-eagle.com/askevelyn.
