Q: We have a 2-year-old toddler who is terribly fearful socially. He's scared of other children and not interested in playing with them. At a recent birthday party he spent most of the time under a chair watching the other kids play. I took him to a Kindermusic class recently and, when he saw other kids were there, he cried and wanted to leave. He likes to stay with what he knows and won't try new things. He's super careful of everything. My husband always warns our boy to "watch out" or "be careful." Are we overdoing this? And why does he dislike other kids? -- J. M.
A: You are probably worrying too much and this is "catching" to a young child. If you are overanxious, and if your husband constantly says things that show uneasiness, you are making your child overanxious. Young children are influenced not only by our words, but by our body language and facial expressions. When parents are anxious it often confuses children and makes feel insecure.
Your son may feel more secure when he is in control. Children like this don't like surprises and need to know what will be happening next. Your son will slowly learn to feel secure and more confident by looking things over first, and then trying new activities. It is by trying new things that they become stronger and more confident. Praise him when he tries anything new, no matter how small.
Your child is only 2. But you are expecting him to socialize and participate like a 3- or 4-year-old instead of accepting that his behavior is normal and is the way most 2-year-olds act. Two-year-olds are not interested in being sociable and they almost always play alone. The sequence of learning to play with others starts with solitary play (baby play with his own toes and fingers) and the next step in the sequence is onlooker play where the child plays alone but watches others.
At about age 2&1/2 or 3, the child starts to do parallel play, which means he plays next to another child or with the same things -- like blocks -- but probably won't interact or play with the other child at all. At ages 4 to 5, children start to interact and play actively with others. As they become older 4s, they start to plan things together and implement the plans. They may build a block city or a farm together using blocks and small props like cars, animals and people.
Learning to engage in social play takes a few years. Your 2-year-old is not yet ready for this. He is doing exactly what 2-year-olds do. And yes, 2s and 3s like familiar things and consistent routines and rituals.
Try to accept your son as he is, and enjoy each new stage of growth as it comes.
Evelyn Petersen is an award-winning parenting columnist.
and child and family advocate who lives in Traverse City. E-mail questions to evelynpetersen@yahoo.com.
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