Traverse City Record-Eagle

Betty Werth

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January 31, 2008

Betty Werth: Reality show makes sense

BY BETTY WERTH

As I was lying on my couch one day munching on a stale brownie I came across a home fix-up show.

The camera panned in on a pale whale of a house -- shabby, overgrown and stuffed to the dormers with junk. A van roared up, out jumped a crew of home-repair elves, and 60 minutes later the house was clean, trim and looking 50 years younger.

"Hmmm," I asked myself between bites, "I wonder if they make people calls?"

"Even better," I thought, struggling to a sitting position, "why not a TV show that combines 'home improvement' with 'self improvement'? How about taking an actual human physical structure that's a little flabby and shabby on the outside, a little cluttered on the inside, and without major surgery freshening it up to look still old, but better."

I can see it now:

"Hello! My name is Bod Vila and welcome to 'This Old Spouse,' a show that allows one marriage partner to nominate his or her fellow partner for a physical fix-up. Today Gladys Jones has asked us to look at this fine older home we'll call 'Bill.' His back porch is sagging, the plumbing is full of surprises and there is an occasional short in the wiring, but the old place has character and with attention to detail should remain serviceable for many more years.

"We're going to spend most of our time on his exterior. Shore up that back porch, put fresh paint on those faded shutters, and if like Bill you've lost so many shingles that the bare roof is starting to show through, put a cap on it. Don't try to stretch the existing shingles to cover the bare spots. It's called a 'comb-over.'

"You'll probably notice that all those additions Bill has put on the old homestead over the years have made him look a little ramshackle. I guess once he started enlarging, he just couldn't stop.

"What do you say, Bill?

"OK, bleep that out. This is family TV, Bill. OK, let's peek inside. Eyew. The first thing you should do indoors is clear out these hallways. You've got to be able to circulate in here, What's that? Bill says, 'Get out.'

"We will, but not before we check his boiler. Hmm. Sixty-five percent efficient. Gladys said you spend a lot of time sleeping. What's that? Bill says he's not sleeping, he's hiding. OK.

"Moving along, the wiring is apparently a little quirky. Uh-oh. Bill is pointing a gun at our cameraman.

"Well," (running toward the van) "that's the end of this edition of 'This Old Spouse.' We'll be back next week to see if Bill has taken our advice," (leaping into the van, locking the doors) "although we'll probably just film from inside the van." (Peeling away from the curb. Gunfire.) "Or call."

Reach Betty Werth at bwestrope@hotmail.com

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