It's 5 p.m. on a Friday in downtown Traverse City. The winter traffic is heavy and I could use some help getting myself and my wheelchair across the busy intersection.
I ask a stranger, a businessman, if he can give me a quick push. He agrees and in a matter of minutes asks me too loudly and very s-l-o-w-l-y, "How long have you been stuck in that thing? Where's your attendant? Oh, I see your ring ... you're married? Can you still have sex? Kids? Is your husband disabled? I was in one of those things once. It was awful. You're so brave."
Without responding to anything he's said, I say thanks and goodbye. Then he yells, "I'll pray for you. You people are such an inspiration. Now don't go snowplowing in that thing. I've done my good deed for the day! I hope you're cured. Happy holidays!"
As I continued on my way, I'm struck again by how genuinely helpful people in our community want to be and yet how often they don't know what to say to a person with a disability.
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In this column, I'll share some of the most common tips for communicating with a person with a disability. The goal is to increase our connection to and knowledge of one another, and to decrease our discomfort and awkwardness.
First, let's begin with the behavior of the person with a disability.
I set the tone. I see myself as an educator, a humanist and a vital member of my community. I'm very outgoing and social. I can also be quiet and private. I try to respond to folks' questions and comments in a respectful manner ... even when what they say or the way they say it isn't respectful. Obviously, there are times when I'm not in the mood, tired, cranky and cannot bear to educate another curious person. In 32 years, I have to say these times are rare. I always remember that I was also once an "unknowing" able-bodied person. I know what it's like to not know.
In the United States, there are an estimated 35 million people with a disability. Disability is generally defined as impacting a major activity of daily living -- walking, talking, hearing, seeing, thinking and emoting. Disability can occur through age, illness or accident. Disabilities can be acquired or congenital.
A person with a disability may express their disability in a visible manner (such as by using a cane, walker, wheelchair, oxygen, hearing aid or service animal) or invisibly (heart condition, post-traumatic stress disorder, mental or learning disabilities or traumatic brain injury).
A disability can be permanent (I'm a T-10 paralyzed paraplegic) or temporary, such as during the recovery from a broken arm or knee surgery. Some people with disabilities refer to able-bodied people as "TABS" -- Temporarily Able-Bodied.
Tips
-- Always communicate with the person with a disability -- not their interpreter, child, spouse or partner, helpers, service animals or friends.
-- Use the phrase "person with a disability" -- the emphasis is on the person, not the disability. I am not an object or thing. I am a person first. I am not an invalid, cripple, retard, gimp, sick person, confined to a wheelchair or wheelchair victim. For clearer communication, stay away from vague, imprecise euphemisms -- special, physically challenged, other-abled, exceptional.
People are overly self-conscious of saying to me that they saw me "standing" in front of something or asking if someone "heard" or "saw" something to a person who can't hear or see. It's OK. We know what you mean.
-- Within every group, members have words they like and dislike to describe themselves. Some people with a disability like "handicapper" or "handicapped." Others do not. No one person speaks for an entire group. Also, members within a group can use words and language that folks outside of a group cannot. As part of the "disability culture," I can call another person using a wheelchair a "wheeler," or "mermaid" -- but it would be different if a person without a disability referred to me this way.
-- Ask "How can I be of help?" and then listen to what the person says. They know what's best for them.
-- For people with hearing impairments, look at the person so they have the opportunity to read your lips.
-- Do not refer to people as "deaf and dumb."
-- Do not say people are retarded. Instead use person with a developmental disability, learning disability or intellectual disability.
-- Don't use such phrases as, "You'd have to be deaf and dumb to not know that."
-- Don't ask if someone is "legally deaf," "legally blind" or "certifiable."
-- Don't say someone is a "whack job," "head case" or "mental."
-- Don't tell parents of children with disabilities, "Oh, how sad. I thank my lucky stars my kids are healthy. I could never do what you do." This is disrespectful, minimizing and alienating.
-- Don't say, "It's not brain surgery." People experiencing brain health issues find this insulting and insensitive.
-- Remember, everyone has a life story. There are many reasons why people are homeless or in poverty or just sad. Be respectful, have empathy and be helpful. Every encounter with another person is helped by compassion, patience and listening.
-- Don't say, "I'm so depressed," or, "I could just kill myself," or "I'm so ADD!" Many people say these things to be overly dramatic about simple problems. Again, this is disrespectful and minimizing to people really experiencing these concerns.
-- There are many variables related to the words we use, including the context, which takes into account the age and experiences of the person you're talking to. Communication experts report that 35 percent of communication is verbal and 65 percent is nonverbal.
-- Watch assumptions, beliefs, judgments and projections. We may make silly comments and jokes because we're afraid of not saying something. We speak out of fear of the unknown and nervousness.
-- We all do and say stupid things, myself included. What matters most is that we recognize our mistakes, apologize and learn from them. We need to not take ourselves so seriously. I have met very few people who intended to hurt me with their words, questions or comments.
A few weeks ago, a teenager on a busy downtown street asked me what was wrong with me. I told her I didn't understand the question.
She looked at me for a moment, puzzled, staring at my feet. Finally she said, "You know. Why do you use a wheelchair?"
"Oh," I said. "That's a totally different question. I use a wheelchair because I had a stroke and I need it for my mobility."
She then asked me what I liked to be called. I said "Susan."
"No," she said. "You know, about your disability."
I said, "Person with a disability -- a chair user." (I think I'm freed by my wheelchair -- I gain mobility).
Then I said to her, "It's OK to ask these questions, if you ask kindly and with respect. The person can always choose to not answer your question and they can do that kindly and with respect."
As we moved through the crowd, we talked about our plans for the holidays.
In future columns, I'll discuss offering and giving assistance, staring, access to common places around town, relationships and more.
About the author
Susan Odgers, a resident of Traverse City for the past 21 years, has used a wheelchair for 32 years. She is a faculty member at Northwestern Michigan College and Grand Valley State University, at the University Center. She is a board member and past president of Michigan Protection and Advocacy Service Inc. Her column will appear monthly. She can be reached via the Record-Eagle, 120 W. Front St., Traverse City MI 49684.
For more information on topics Odgers writes about, go to:
-- Disability Network, a Traverse City organization, at www.disabilitynetwork-nmi.org
-- Michigan Protection and Advocacy Service, www.mpas.org
-- Southern Poverty Law Center-Teaching Tolerance, www.Tolerance.org
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