Some men become fathers by choice. Others become so by accident.
I'd have to say that fate has played a large role in my becoming a dad, though I can't imagine it could have turned out any better had I chosen it.
You see, I'm the full-time father to a great 7-year-old boy, Jackson. I reached full-time status late last year after his mother, my ex-wife, died. That event has changed the course of Jackson's life, naturally, and mine as well. To say that today, Father's Day, means a little more this year is an understatement.
A little background: Jack was a big surprise, born at the end of a 14-year marriage, during which his mother, Lori, and I assumed we couldn't have kids, though we both certainly wanted them. We went through all the usual medical procedures to determine why and, after a couple of minor adjustments here and there, doctors said we should be able to conceive.
Still, no baby.
So, years went by, life went on, things happened and we soon realized that going our separate ways was probably the best course of action for both of us.
And that's when fate stepped in the first time and we found out that we were going to have Jackson. In the midst of the divorce, he was certainly the bright spot for both of us.
Soon, I was dealing with diapers and baby food and "Teletubbies" all by myself. The breakup had sent me a bit off the deep end, so when I didn't have a bottle in Jack's mouth, I usually had one in my own, though not when he was in my care. But if I didn't have Jack to focus on, I really would have been in worse shape than I was.
We made it through those early days together, got to preschool and kindergarten and, though Jack and I were a pretty good team, he was still very much mom's boy as I continued to pursue my singlehood more vigorously than I did my fatherhood.
That all changed midway through first grade, when fate roared in again. Lori was diagnosed with ALS, possibly complicated by Lyme disease. As she became increasingly incapacitated, Jack gravitated more toward me and I finally saw that I would have to step up to the plate -- really step up this time.
Since Lori's death in November, life with my son has been wonderful, difficult, weird, sad, joyful, confusing and sometimes isolating. I've done some incredibly stupid, out-of-character things. I've had a full-on meltdown and I've taken some good, healthy steps. I've had to let some really good things go and I've had to re-learn the obvious lesson that not everything is about me.
But most of all, life has gone on and, best of all, Jackson seems happy and adjusting well to the way things are now. His resiliency and faith are amazing. I think a child's heart can teach us much about our own capacities for being bulletproof.
And, as most of us do, I still struggle with parenting every day. I've gained a new appreciation for what single mothers go through and I'm thankful that Lori's mom, Shannon, has stayed on to help me. It would be much more difficult, if not impossible, without her.
And though these days you're more likely to see me on a little league baseball field than on a U&I; barstool, I still know how to have my fun. It just takes some of us a little longer to figure out that sometimes the answers you seek are right in front of you.
Thanks, buddy. Love you.
Brian Steele is a news editor at the Record-Eagle. He can be reached at bsteele@record-eagle.com.
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