This past fall, one could hardly read a newspaper or surf through the TV channels and not encounter a recent update about the swine flu -- or H1N1 as it is called.
The media was having a feeding frenzy. We were facing a pandemic for sure. There wasn't going to be enough vaccine to go around and only "high risk" individuals would be allowed to receive the shot.
During the drum-beating period, I had my annual physical. Having just turned 65 and now carrying the full credentials of senior status, I thought it would be a good time to inquire about getting a pneumonia shot and a shingles shot. My doctor said yes to both of these and on the day of my checkup he scheduled me for my seasonal flu shot as well. Then I asked him about a swine flu shot. His reply was, "Forget about it!"
Seems that demand was high and supply was low and seniors were just at the bottom of the list ... expendable. I was really looking forward to the "Golden Years" too.
Since the H1N1 vaccine wasn't available to me at that time, I took matters into my own hands. We loaded up on hand sanitizer. We had pump dispensers in the vehicles. We had squeeze bottles in our coat pockets and my wife had one in her purse. Upon coming in contact with a germ-laden shopping cart or plague-encrusted doorknob, we would break out our trusty tube of germ-eliminating gel and squirt copious globs into our open palms hoping to eliminate the survival of any virus or bacterium. Who needs the shot anyway?
Bathing in hand sanitizer still did not give me the sense of security that I longed for. One snowy afternoon, I was looking out at our frozen lake, which was dotted with a ramshackle collection of ice shanties. Some of these structures are like old-fashioned outhouses in appearance but much different in purpose. The fishing shanties protect their occupants from the harsh elements. At that moment however, they reminded me of an isolation booth on a game show.
I began to wonder if we were able to, more or less, isolate ourselves from others of the human race; maybe we could avoid succumbing to the ravages of the swine flu.
We would hole up in the cottage. We would stop attending church, home group, the food pantry and the American Legion. There would be no hugging of friends and relatives at Christmas and a friendly handshake would be off limits. Bouncing the grandchildren on my knee, no way! Children are carriers of all sorts of yucky illnesses.
We would make one last trip to the grocery store and load up with canned soup and powdered milk. Of course we would need cases of Spam, peanut butter and macaroni and cheese. Let's not forget the paper plates and the jumbo pack of toilet paper. We would stock our shelves with good library books, Michigan wine and hunker down by the fireplace until the "all clear" siren blew; letting us know that the crisis was over.
Yes, the plan was coming together.
Shortly after completing the shopping and the written outline of our game plan to avoid all human contact, I settled down to catch the latest news on the pandemic. I wanted to find out how far the plague had advanced across our fruited plain. Surfing through the channels, I was a bit confused. I couldn't find any late breaking news flashes on CNN or CNBC or even the FOX network.
For some reason, all of the stations were discussing Tiger Woods instead of the pandemic! It was something about an auto accident, his wife with a golf club, a fire hydrant and tree.
In the following two weeks, the swine flu must have died out because there wasn't one mention of it in the media. We were able to learn more than we wanted to know about Tiger Woods however. Again the media was in a frenzy but it wasn't about H1N1.
Now that the Tiger dust has settled, I have learned that there is a miraculous abundance of swine flu vaccine available. Inoculations are being offered and promoted in hospitals, clinics, drug stores and gas stations. It is feared that they now have too much vaccine and may have to return the excess to the manufacturers.
Seniors take heart because you, too, will now have access to the H1N1 flu shot.
My only question is; what am I going to do with all that Spam I purchased?
Ed Hungness and his wife owned their cottage on Fife Lake for six years before moving there after his retirement in 2005. He can be reached at edhungness@yahoo.com. For more of Ed's columns, log on to record-eagle.com/edhungness.
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