It's time for the human race to enter the solar system. -- Dan Quayle
I've been sharing interesting rubbish with David, my late mother's husband, who's been hospitalized for a long time here in his native England.
The other day in Ross-on-Wye some folks were laughing in the library about weird laws that are still on the books in England. I shamelessly listened, retrieved a rumpled grocery receipt and scribbled some of the best examples to pass on to David, who really enjoyed them. I thought you might too.
-- No one may die in the Houses of Parliament, except the queen, because the deceased would be entitled to a State funeral, and that costs money. If someone does turn up his toes, he should be shifted discreetly before authorities are notified.
-- If a whale washes up on a British beach, the head is considered the property of the king, while the tail goes to the queen, as she might desire the bones for her corset.
-- No one may place a stamp bearing the queen's image upside down on an envelope. This offense could be considered treason.
-- One may not fire off a canon in metropolitan London, or shake a rug near a police station, unless it's after dark.
-- A British taxi driver may legally "spend a penny" in public, but only if he relieves himself on the back wheel of his own cab while placing his right hand on the fender.
-- In Liverpool, home of the Beatles, a woman may not walk about topless, unless she's selling exotic fish in the local pet shop.
Silly laws remain in force in Europe too. In France, for example, it's forbidden to name a pig Napoleon.
-- Luxembourg has decreed that cars must have working windscreen wipers -- but a windscreen is not required.
-- And in Denmark, it's illegal to start a car if someone is underneath it.
Dopey "don'ts" exist in the United States as well.
-- In Ohio it's illegal to get a fish drunk.
-- Alabama law prohibits a citizen from carrying an ice cream cone in his back pocket at any time.
-- In Alaska it's an offense to push a moose out of a moving plane.
-- Donkeys may not sleep in bathtubs in Arizona.
-- In Harper Woods, one may not paint a sparrow and then pass it off as a parakeet. And in Detroit, a citizen may not tie his alligator to a fire hydrant or let his pig roam free without a nose ring. Nose rings prevent swine from rooting, you see -- that's the important bit.
Dan Quayle, on the campaign trail, once made a comment that seems to fit the folks that passed these laws: [Detroit lawmakers]...are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
I'll also share some fascinating factoids I've collected:
-- Eyelashes hang on for about 6 weeks.
-- Termites are affected by music. If you play it loudly in a wooden house in the South, termites will dine on your domicile much faster.
-- A cubic mile of fog contains just a bit less than a gallon of water.
-- The average beardless man will shave off 28 feet of hair in his lifetime.
-- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
-- Cockroaches detest cucumbers.
How does one monitor vital facts like these? Who'd want to? Were they paid? Why?
Dan Quayle once observed that people who are very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
Maybe. Maybe not. But political space cadets and factoid-collecting nerds like me can reliably trigger twirling, ear-directed forefingers, and wide grins.
Dee Blair's Sunnybank Gardens are closed for the season. Visit her Web site, www.deeblair.com, for more information. Find more of her columns online at record-eagle.com/deeblair.
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