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Dee Blair: The View From Sunnybank

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July 17, 2011

View From Sunnybank: 3-day gremlin fest

By Dee Blair, Local columnist ----

Gremlins haven't irritated me for ages.

For months I've managed to hold on to my pruners and gloves. Every day I'd shelve them and they'd still be there when I needed them. Bliss.

Alas, three days ago I set the pruners down and ran to answer the phone, and -- you guessed it. When I tried to retrieve them, they'd gone. I searched for 30 minutes, but I knew. Those tiresome house gremlins had obviously returned from wherever they'd vacationed, armed with new, shocking ways to thoroughly rumple my composure.

"You just thought you set the pruners there. You are absent-minded," readers may say.

Yeah, I am. But wait. I'm just warming up.

The next day a guest yelped as he picked up our TV remote control clicker: The exterior was burning hot -- because its (fresh) batteries were baking! He needed a hot pad to hold the case so he could pry them out. That poor clicker was fried. We were mystified.

"Yeah, but batteries sometimes malfunction. You'll have to do better."

OK. Read on. Today I sat in my chair-nest sipping tea and reading, when a brand new 4-inch frosted globe bulb in the kitchen ceiling's hanging fixture detached from the screw-in part and dropped five feet, landing almost soundlessly on the coffee table next to me. I stared at the pristine globe, incredulous, then looked up. The naked filament was still glowing in the lamp fixture.

Just my luck, I thought -- it's defective. I found the receipt and walked that rogue globe back to Ace Hardware. They cheerfully exchanged it. I put the new one in. One hour later, as I reached up just to check it, the new globe, sans filament as before, dropped into my hands. !!

A regular 40-watt light bulb, by the way, works fine. But it's tiny, and looks silly up there.

Could all of Ace's 40-watt globe lights be weird?

Nah. I know what's happening.

Not convinced? There's more.

Later, I was ironing when my iron sputtered, and then -- get this -- burst into flames! Pop-eyed, I held the freaked-out iron at arm's length while it crackled and farted big flames out the cord end. The show lasted 2-3 seconds. Finally, shocked, I set it down on the ironing board, where it gave a final defeated "poof," and went permanently silent. Hastily unplugging it I checked my hand, which, though trembling, remained unscathed.

Here's the weird thing. There was NO indication that anything had happened. The iron looked fine. No black surfaces, no frizzled cord, nothing at the wall socket itself to indicate my iron's rear end had just burst into flames. And I don't mean teeny flames. I mean bonfire flames. "Gentlemen, start your rockets!" flames.

I stood there witless, heart whamming in my chest, for what seemed hours. This was a trick too far. I liked that iron. It had always steamed just nicely, and had never failed me.

Hmmm ... Those gremlins had most likely been to a convention, where new and innovative ideas for discombobulating house-humans had been displayed in innumerable booths ...

It's not fair! Now an electrician must check things, though the house is totally rewired and up to code. RATS! Don't electricians charge just to ring the doorbell?

And now I'm plagued with the "whatifers." What if my computer had been charging, or my cell phone, or what if the fan had been running on low, and I'd been outside -- what then?

What if my new TV clicker roasts again?

Arghhhh! What's going on, here?? This is unbelievable.

Believe this: If I ever catch a gremlin, it's toast.

Dee Blair's Sunnybank Gardens are at 325 Sixth St. in Traverse City. "The View From Sunnybank," a collection of her columns, is available at Horizon Books, Amazon.com and at www.deeblair.com.

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