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February 6, 2012

Garret Leiva: This could change your life

By Garret Leiva Community editor

Normally I don't ignore the knock of opportunity — I delete it.

We live in a world where schemers, dreamers and spammers stuff our email inbox with can't-miss deals and Nigerian bank windfalls. I, for one, can earn $50,000 in the next 90 days or enter to win a free iPad2.

The best part is these wishful dreams can come true without any effort. It doesn't require a 9-to-5 job or higher education. All it takes is a simple email reply and simpleton logic.

Spam email flimflam is big business. The time employees waste jettisoning junk email costs companies nearly $22 billion a year, according to one online survey. (It doesn't say how much time was misspent responding to the survey.)

With all this e-garbage, it's no wonder workers can't keep up with important tasks — like updating their Facebook status every five minutes.

Like Nicolas Cage movies or Muzak, I ignored the blather of unclaimed dollars, euros or gold fillings waiting in an offshore bank account. However, I recently discovered that unlike YouTube piano-playing cat video links, these emails are funny.

Call it a guilty pleasure, like looking at tabloid headlines in the grocery checkout lane without the disapproving stares of others.

I know get-rich email rants are absurd. My meager checking account wants to believe I'm the heir to a sizable fortune in the Royal Bank of London. If only I spoke the language of all capital letters and exuberant exclamation points. Then I could take a chance on AN EXCELLENT MONEY MAKING OPPORTUNITY or even change my life FOREVER ... FINANCIALLY!!!!

However, I'm skeptical of a real-estate tycoon who emails he has the "intelectul capital" to get deals done. I doubt he bankrolls "intellectual" capital if he can't spell it.

Despite their dubious nature, these emails are very polite lies. I've been addressed as Dear One, Beloved and You're My Only Hope. I also received a "Hi Charlie!" email invite for free drinks to test some guy's Wii game: more creepy than cordial.

Author Wilhelm Stekel called statistics the art of lying by means of figures. I haven't crunched the numbers, but come-on emails that claim to be 100 percent legal, effective or guaranteed rarely add up. You can take that advice to the bank — unless you emailed your debit card PIN number to Phishing Financial.

Tempting as it may be, I'm not quitting my day job based on a lucrative email offer to steward the riches of a deceased Nigerian king. I'm holding out for FREE gold bullion or Warren Buffett Berkshire Hathaway stocks.

Don't ignore email opportunities that come knocking on your inbox. I suggest reading a few of these poorly worded scams; they're funnier than those forwarded Internet jokes your uncle sends. Laugh at the con's expense, not the other way around — then hit delete.

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