Perspectives: Learning patience takes patience

Life

February 18, 2012

By Al Lewis, Local columnist ---- The Record Eagle Sat Feb 18, 2012, 07:14 AM EST

'Patience," wrote Cato the Elder (234 BC-149 BC) "is the greatest of all virtues."

As a caregiver I am learning patience is one of my weaker assets. I have it when I am waiting for an idea to germinate or waiting for the mailman, but not while I am caring for my wife who is healing from pneumonia and a series of side complications.

Like so many other caregivers I try to be patient, but I truly want my wife's recovery to have occurred yesterday — not tomorrow or even next week.

I have to check periodically to make sure my impatience is about her condition and not a level of selfishness on my part. Sometimes the distinctions are very clear; at other times they can be quite murky. We have turned the almost daily trips to doctors or labs into opportunities to stop for short shopping excursions, and occasionally for lunch. We talk openly about our mutual frustrations and I make sure I take a long walk with friends every day and increase the repetitions on the weight machines.

In some ways these constant choices to view a wearisome reality through a different lens helps.

Last week one of my wife's key doctors was running almost two hours late and everyone in the waiting room became quite talkative as a mutual "camaraderie of the impatient" evolved. One man commented he had smoked for 72 years and had no pulmonary problems until he quit. Trying to add lightness to an otherwise dismal situation, another man and I suggested the first man might want to take up smoking again! A few minutes later I asked the six other people in the waiting room if they wanted to send out for Chinese or pizza. We laughed again and the nurse opened the door to call in a woman who was very ill and had been sitting for almost three hours. "I'll pray for you," said the former smoker.

As a caregiver (and thankfully for both of us not as a full-time responsibility) I am learning how important it is to take care of myself; not only because I need to be healthy to be helpful, but because when I deny myself basic needs — exercise, rest, a night out with the boys — I can become resentful and distant. I am angry, but I am clear that my anger is about what's happening to my wife. I am not angry at her. That distinction is very important for both of us to understand and we talk about it. I also know my wife is not confronted with a terminal illness — though there are times when, in her own frustration, "terminal" and "interminable" must feel the same.

Much is written about how laughter improves cardiovascular and lung functions, and even improves the immune system, resulting in better health. And most of us understand the value of tears. So, sometimes we watch movies and laugh or cry together while talking about how grateful we are to be together and able to love and care for one another. And we talk about plans for next winter and a fall bar mitzvah for our grandson and why it is important to order Ellie's American Girl Doll today "¦ even though her birthday is a month away.

I place my hand on Shirley's head each morning before I leave the bed and I pray in Hebrew: "May the Lord bless you and keep you. May God shine God's countenance upon you and be gracious to you. May God grant you peace (and help me to help you in the ways that matter to you)." Then I go for my power-walk with the group. And I return as a better caregiver, husband and partner; but still wrestling with patience and anger.

"Have patience with all things," wrote St. Francis de Sales (1567-1622) "but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them — every day begin the task anew."

With so many others, I am learning.

Rabbi Dr. Albert M. Lewis is rabbi emeritus of Congregation Beth El in Traverse City. He is a public speaker and author of "Soul Sounds: Reflections on Life," available at www.soulsoundsbook.com. Contact him through the Record-Eagle, 120 W. Front St., Traverse City MI 49684.