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August 22, 2009

Amicable Split: 'Collaborative divorce' offers fewer fights, costs

'Collaborative divorce' could lessen fights and costs

By VANESSA McCRAY

TRAVERSE CITY -- Is there a nicer way to get divorced?

Breaking up is hard to do, but some local experts think collaborative divorce could be a better way for some married couples to officially split. A group of area lawyers and mental health professionals started Up North Collaborative Divorce Professionals, which promotes a different model for divorce.

"Collaborative law is a team approach that brings in all the aspects that the conflict or the disagreement presents," said Marian Kromkowski, a Suttons Bay attorney.

That means spouses and their attorneys may be joined by mental health professionals, financial advisers and child experts who are all committed to settling outside of court. The model requires a "real paradigm shift from the traditional divorce," Kromkowski said. In a collaborative divorce, attorneys are retained to reach resolution, not to worry about crafting arguments, which judge might get the case or who to call as witnesses. It's the couple, not the court, that decides how to split assets and divvy parenting duties.

"The traditional divorce only successfully separates you legally and financially. It's really all about the IRS now filing you under another category," said Traverse City psychologist Lisa Franseen.

But feelings and the family's future are not to be overlooked. Divorce is a "devastating and emotionally intense time, even if you've chosen to use this model," she said. Franseen acts as a divorce coach who instructs the couple on how to "manage their emotions" so that important decisions can be made. That's a difficult task for a pair who wants to part.

"Communication skills are a big one, and that is tricky," she said. "Probably, if a couple had really good communication skills in the first place, then they might not be getting divorced."

Crafting a settlement together can prevent later disagreements over terms such as a child's health care or parenting time, experts said. The collaborative method emphasizes that "the family isn't a failure" and that the divorced couple can still co-parent "as a success," said psychologist and child expert Ann Marie Love of Traverse City. Her role can be to advocate for the child, help resolve disputes and advise on how to transition from married to single life.

Members of the local group are trained in collaborative divorce. The group wants to find financial professionals in the area to assist in cases that require a money mind. Carrie Cole, a Livonia-based divorce financial specialist, found that her involvement adds expertise and can save divorcing clients time and money. She can act as a neutral party by sorting out the financial truth of a family's situation: Like telling a wife that her husband isn't making the amount of money she thought.

"In most cases you walk out of there with some civility. I've had cases where we've walked out smiling and shaking hands. Now, that isn't always the case, but there's some level of civility (because) we've all been committed to not making it adversarial," Cole said.

The local group is trying to introduce residents to the collaborative concept and have not yet completed a full collaborative case, Kromkowski said. There may be some instances where the method is not the best option, such as when domestic violence, illness or mental health issues are factors. That's because there's a "power differential" that may create lopsided decision making, Franseen said. But that doesn't mean that collaborative divorce is just for "amicable breakups," she said.

Kromkowski likens the end of a marriage to a vase that has cracked.

"Collaborative divorce is a way to put that pottery back together to make it usable," she said. "Adults can go forward and refashion the family. It will be different, but in a workable, functional way."

For more information on collaborative divorce, visit the Web sites www.collaborativepracticemi.org or www.collaborativepractice.com.

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Amicable Split: 'Collaborative divorce' offers fewer fights, costs
by By VANESSA McCRAY , , Sat Aug 22, 2009, 07:51 PM EDT

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