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March 24, 2008

Kathy Gibbons: Truth is preferable

BY KATHY GIBBONS

Growing up the oldest of five, attending Catholic school, I developed a strong sense of responsibility -- and guilt.

So I tried to be good. Because if I wasn't, I might have to lie about it. And I didn't like lying. It made me feel red-faced and sick.

The older I got, I also came to see that there is no mileage in it, because eventually, the truth comes out. I'm not talking occasional little white lies to avoid hurting feelings. I think most of us have done that at one time or another.

But for weighty matters, I finally came to the conclusion that the truth, no matter how uncomfortable, was better in the long run. That crystallized during my first really good job, around 30 years ago.

I was in a position of knowing some important confidential information that I was under no circumstances to share with anyone else. Then on an overnight road trip with a coworker, I told her what I knew. I immediately regretted it, but it was too late.

Well, it got back to my boss, through her boss -- the president of the company -- that this other person knew the secret information now, too.

Since I was one of the few sources it could have come from, my boss confronted me. And being pretty sure the coworker would not give me up, I nearly lied.

It was one of those clarifying moments, and I instead decided to tell the truth. While I didn't lose my job, it wasn't pretty. In fact, it was an uncomfortable lesson. But a weight came off my shoulders when I told the truth.

And over the years, that has been pretty much how I operate.

So I surprised myself recently when I impulsively sent a note to someone I know, seeking some harmless but to me, personally, helpful information. The thing was, I lied about why I needed it.

I had good reasons for not wanting to divulge the truth -- it's not that. The problem was that while the person I told the little lie to is someone I don't know deeply, I have known her for years; she is a good person, not someone who deserves to be lied to. If I'd phrased the question as I had to a stranger, it would have been fine. But I realized that eventually, this person would come to know the true reason I asked, and if she remembered, would know I wasn't truthful. What was I thinking? I should have either trusted her with the truth, or asked someone I didn't know.

With that epiphany, I immediately wrote again and confessed what I'd done, though at a loss to explain why.

And still feeling lousy about it, I came to the conclusion that maybe we need to fall off the horse once in a while on some small level to remember why it's good to stay up there and avoid the bigger stuff.

And hopefully, that will carry me through the next 30 years.

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