By Garret Leiva
Community editor
---- — Some people drown themselves in a sea of technology. I'd advise against the cell phone backstroke; it won't go swimmingly.
After five years by my side — or pants pocket — my faithful flip-phone was sent down river last week. However, I didn't trade it in for a shiny new Android or iMatter-Most model. I literally sent my cell phone down the Platte River.
In case you're wondering, mouth-to-USB-port resuscitation is pretty much pointless; I didn't even try Send key CPR compressions.
Of course there is a very good reason why my cell phone ended up doing the dead-battery float, it's called failure to zip. Like most families taking a tubbing trip down a lazy river, we packed a flotsam of sunscreen, sandwiches and sandals. My wife also insisted we bring a cell phone as a precautionary measure; otherwise known as being a mother.
The Platte River lacks white water rapids nor have I heard "Deliverance" banjo music echoing from the surrounding Benzie County woods. The only precautionary measure you should take would be shielding your eyes from questionable swimsuits and sandbar parties. However, I packed my cell phone in a plastic bag; just in case we came across Ned Beatty paddling a canoe.
While we survived our three-hour drift out to Lake Michigan, my cell phone did not. Funny thing, Ziploc bags require something called zipping to work. Thankfully our Jeep key fob proved a resilient swimmer since I locked my keys in the vehicle.
Such an abrupt loss of communication might cause some people to panic. I know a few "crackBerry" users that would shake from PDA withdraw. After all, life's hardly worth living if you can't follow Ashton Kutcher's tweets or let people know you ate toast this morning via Facebook.
There are people who literally have their life and livelihood in these handheld devices: contact numbers, GPS coordinates, Swiss bank accounts. A lost cell phone can be traumatic — especially if you're a tipsy Apple engineer with a prototype phone left at a German beer garden.
It took me nearly a week to replace my waterlogged cell phone. If my brother-in-law was out of touch with his iPhone that long he'd go a touch mad.
Obviously, I'm a bit of a cell phone knuckle dragger. I don't text, Twitter or watch YouTube cat videos while driving. I simply use my phone to call people.
In fact, I think that's my new cell phone model: the Simpleton. The phone has trifocal-user numbers on each keypad. I'm pretty sure the camera phone uses film and flashbulb cubes. I did opt for the battery-run version instead of the Henry Ford crank start.
However, I have embraced one cell phone technology: ringtones. I might even add a "Dueling Banjos" ringtone before our next river trip. Although I will need to pack several Ziploc precautionary measures.
