Traverse City Record-Eagle

Kathy Gibbons: Northern Living

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January 30, 2010

Kathy Gibbons: Know-it-all lost a customer

By KATHY GIBBONS

One day in the third grade, the teacher's pet -- Marie, the classroom know-it-all -- was giving an oral report.

As she talked in her grating authoritative way, our nun-teacher looking on adoringly as she always did when Marie did anything, Marie's voice faltered. She squirmed. And then she made a dash from the front of the room to the door at the far back corner -- the only way out. A stream of liquid trailed her. She had wet her pants.

Most of us reacted with internal glee. And I never forgot. It was my first encounter with a know-it-all.

But not the last. Take a recent Friday night. After a day of meetings and driving up from downstate, I was tired, hungry and just wanting a restful conclusion to the work week. Getting to town about 8:30, calling home, we decided to meet for a late dinner at a restaurant where we'd had a particularly great item of comfort food previously.

When we arrived, the restaurant was busy. We were looking forward to having the dish we'd come for and willing to wait.

After we were given menus and seated, I noticed the item was no longer listed. When our waitress came back, I asked if they had stopped making it.

"Oh, we've never had that," she said.

"Are you sure?" I asked. "I can picture sitting in this room and eating it."

"No, we've never had that," she said. "Maybe you had it at (names another restaurant.)"

"Yes, I've had it there, but am sure we had it here. Maybe it was a couple of years ago," I said, acting doubtful even though I felt certain.

"I've been here three years and we've never had it," she responded.

I was still pretty sure because I am like an elephant when it comes to food -- in memory and appetite -- and said, "Well, maybe I'm wrong, but maybe it was even longer ago than that."

"That's impossible," she responded. "This building wasn't here then."

OK, I thought. Uncle. You win. Whether or not my memory was correct, she was bent on leaving no room for that to even be a possibility.

I told her we'd need a few more minutes to make up our minds. Then we decided to leave -- not because we couldn't get the item we'd hoped for, but because the thought of having to deal with her through an entire meal was bringing on indigestion.

We went somewhere else. We knew they wouldn't have the item that drew us to the first restaurant. But it did have a waitress who wasn't insufferable.

Know-it-all waitress won the debate. But she lost the customer.

I just hope it was as satisfying for her to be right as it was for us to leave.

Kathy Gibbons can be reached at gibbonskath@yahoo.com. For more of Kathy's columns, log on to record-eagle.com/kathygibbons.

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