Adapted in TC: Relationship's strength is at its core

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The Grand Traverse Band of Ottawa and Chippewa Indians for awarding nearly $1 million to local agencies as part of its biannual 2 percent funding allocation. Awards were presented to 58 grant recipients, many with programs that help the elderly and people with disabilities.

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Susan Odgers

February 11, 2012

By Susan Odgers, Local columnist ---- The Record Eagle Sat Feb 11, 2012, 07:14 AM EST

Yesterday my husband and I picked up my wedding ring from the jewelry store. This year we're celebrating our 30th anniversary and he wanted my ring to be serviced as one of my gifts. My ring has been worn by five generations of women on my mother's side. Aside from my wheelchair, my ring is the most important object I own.

Before we left the store, a stranger stopped me to look at my ring. While admiring it, she asked, "Were you using a wheelchair when you got married?"

"Yes," I said.

Pausing for just a wee second, her next words and facial expression were all too familiar.

"You're really lucky you found someone to marry you "¦. with your problem and all."

I took a deep breath and gave her that "I can't believe you think you get to say that to me" face and replied, "We're both lucky."

The woman's comment was familiar. Over the course of our marriage, several people have said the same thing and pondered why my husband would make such a choice.

Emphasis on choice.

In the beginning when we take our vows, few of us think "in sickness" applies right then. Perhaps we'll have to deal with that when we're really old or maybe everything will stay right until we die. In this moment, such matters are not in our reality.

But to select someone with health challenges right from the beginning?

Sometimes when we meet people, we can't see their challenge. Substance abuse, mental health issues, diabetes and heart disease are often invisible. We fall in love with the person, including the exterior they present, never knowing the fullness of what we've committed to. In my situation, my disability is very visible. While my husband could see what I presented, he really didn't know what living with me would be like until he did it.

Relationship practitioner and theorist Richard Sternberg says that the strongest couples have solid commitment, passion and intimacy connections. These dimensions have nothing to do with whether a person has a health challenge or disability.

A good friend of mine described the secret to a great relationship as the pairing of "worthy opponents." For me, he's right. His description has nothing to do with fighting. Such a pairing places the emphasis on a dynamic energy, a spark lit with a high degree of attraction, interest, effort and respect.

There are many kinds of couples. Some couples are very communicative. Others refer to themselves as intense, sensual, intimate, distant, affectionate, sexual, good parents, social, cerebral, adaptable, efficient, private, youthful, formal, playful, and even as "married singles."

I realize some people are really curious about partnerships like mine.

They wonder how it works. Does it? Who does what? Is the partner without the challenge automatically the "stronger one"? Does either partner want to leave the relationship but feels stuck? Is one partner a burden? Is the relationship ruled by the health challenge? What about physical intimacy? Depending upon how you define health challenge, all of these questions could be applied to any relationship.

People with health challenges want their relationships honored in the same manner other relationships are. One man told me that men proposition his wife, in front of him and his children, because he is obese. Another man said that a few of the women at his church were merciless in their pursuit of him while his wife was in her last weeks of battling cancer. One of my own neighbors thought for the longest time that my husband and I were siblings.

Some of us have seen someone's relationship come apart after an accident or illness. From the outside, it's easy to conclude that the overwhelmingly stressful events caused the demise of the relationship. This is rarely the case. Often, these relationships were already in trouble. The partners lacked the skills and desire to take them through these challenges. The stresses exposed the strengths, weakness and cracks. Many times, these relationships would have ended at some point anyway. Other relationships, under the same circumstances become stronger and deeper fast.

Thirty years ago, my husband and I freely chose each other as partners.

Our relationship provides both of us with many gifts, including continual opportunities for personal growth.

As I look down at my ring, I see my five generations smiling back at me.

Susan Odgers, a resident of Traverse City for the past 24 years, has used a wheelchair for 35 years. She is a faculty member at Northwestern Michigan College and Grand Valley State University. She can be reached via the Record-Eagle.